Out of Office Messages: Getting Away

I have a loathsome chore at work. One of my jobs is to manage the "returns" for failed deliveries of some of the e-mail subscriptions we offer at our Web site, Third Way Cafe (www.thirdway.com), where the Another Way column appears every week, among many other things.

This means that messages pop into my e-mail box when an e-mail delivery fails for any reason, and I am bombarded with detailed, sometimes intimate or personal information, about how to contact the person for whom the e-mail was intended. For those who aren't acquainted with posting an "out of office" message to your e-mail, a simple computer function automatically tells anyone who writes to you that you will be gone and therefore they know not to expect an answer for awhile.

You can always tell when vacations or holidays roll around, because there is an increase in these "away" messages. Like right now. Of course, I don't actually open and read them most of the time.

Most away messages simply tell the bare bones: "I'm away, please contact Mr. So and So." But for a curious person who enjoys (my children say) eavesdropping (via computer) into the business of other people, I get to find out where people work and live and often get hints as to the kinds of jobs they do, just from their e-mail addresses.

I've learned there are subscribers who work for the U.S. Air Force, for a church conference office, as a legal assistant, editor/publisher, director of an academy for ministerial leadership, pastor in India, some corporation in the Philippines, a buyer/coordinator, folks at many universities, and someone who works for yachts.com.

Sometimes you find out what people are doing while they are gone, but most wisely leave out too much personal information. In my inbox recently I had these: gone to cover a conference; attending a seminar; in training at Yorkville; at a project management conference. This one sounded cool: "I'm on the Buffalo River in northwest Arkansas." One was traveling in Japan. Then there was this: "For fast lab issues contact" I wondered, hmm, what kind of lab- DNA, crime, or maybe just blood work?

You can often tell something about the writer just by the type of detail they leave (or don't leave). This is an actual message, with only the numbers and names changed to protect the innocent. "I will be out of the office June 23rd (After 3 PM). I will return July 7th, 9:30 AM. I will be on vacation the week of June 23rd, 2006. I will be out of the office in xxx TN July 5th and 6th, 2006. In emergency, I will have the department cell phone. Please call the Dept. cell phone at xxx. You can contact the following for further assistance: John Doe xxx, Jill Doe xxx, or Susie Smith xxx. Otherwise I will contact you upon my return to the office. Thank you." Whew. Must be important.

Then there is the guy who wrote: "I will be out of the office from x to x and I will only check my email once during that time period. Hope that is good enough for you."

These are some reportedly real "away" auto responder email messages:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from my holidays. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Then there are those away messages which make me sad, when you know more than the barebones written in a message: that the individual is out of office for a funeral of a loved one or for their own extended illness. When these come, they can be a reminder to stop and say a prayer for those involved.

If you're interested, there is more information about:
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The most important Book of all time.

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Contributed by Melodie Davis: MelodieD@MennoMedia.org Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way