Grief: One Step at a Time

"I put my key in the door. I never had to do that before, because she was always home when I got here," says one man mentally walking through all of the things that have changed since his wife died in December.

"I would always call out, 'Hello honey, I'm home.' Now I've stopped myself more than once from calling out," he says sadly.

"When I go to bed, I can't sleep in our old bed. Oh, I can take a nap on top of the covers for an hour or two, but that's it. I want to sleep the way we used to sleep together, and I can't do that."

These are the real and intimate reflections of a middle-aged man struggling with fresh grief after recently losing his wife and companion of 39 years.

He has changed all the bedding and curtains in the master bedroom: softer colors and textures (the decorating choices of his wife) are now boldly masculine. But it didn't really help heal the deep ache and pain he feels.

"Friends think I should be over it, and get tired of me talking about these things over and over. But I can't help it. Nothing is the same. I even miss her yelling at my muddy boots on the rug."

How do people heal from grief?

When I was in college, I had the opportunity to hear "death and dying" expert Elisabeth Kbler-Ross discuss her seminal work, On Death and Dying (Macmillan, 1969). I remember going to a large exposition arena where we crowded in to see her. It was a time when people really didn't talk about death very much. Certainly those with terminal illness were usually "protected" from even knowing their true status.

Kbler-Ross told lots of stories of the dying patients she had interviewed. She and her students talked to dying persons and had them keep journals. She then drew her helpful observations about very typical stages that people went through as they approached the process of dying. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. It used to take pages to explain such concepts to people about death, but most people are now very familiar with these stages. The goal is to get to acceptance, but that may be months or even years away.

The stages cannot really be rushed or avoided, and sometimes people don't take a straight path. Those who try to rush to acceptance may later be blindsided by anger or depression.

These stages have been applied to dealing with all kinds of grief and loss, including that suffered by the remaining spouse or loved one.

"The best gift you can give a grieving person is your unconditional love and support. Don't use cliches to comfort them. No words can heal a mourner's grief. Just be present and show that you truly care," advises literature from the MISS Foundation (an organization which specifically helps families deal with the loss of a child. www.missfoundation.org)

These stages of grief and healing happen no matter what your religious faith or background, but certainly Christian faith offers hope for life after death, which can be very comforting to grieving loved ones.

It is important to feel the loss and not deny it. In one way, the more you grieve, you can be comforted that it is a measure of the love you felt. However, everyone grieves differently, and some show few outward signs. Also, people can unhealthily use grief to try to prove their love and hang on to it for years. The healthier, happier process is to recognize and acknowledge the pain, but move on with even just "baby" steps towards a new life without the loved one.

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Contributed by Melodie Davis: MelodieD@MennoMedia.org Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way