How Do We Find Self Worth?

I have come to the conclusion that, for me at least, my self worth is measured by those in my life that I either love, need, or fear.

At some time in the early part of any life, each of us beings to realize that:
1. I need to be loved.
2. I need to be accepted.
3. I need recognition.

This is perfectly normal, unless it becomes an obsession or necessary to your feelings of self worth. Of course we want to feel loved, needed, and worthy. This is all basic human nature.

The problems arise when we take it to the extreme: that feeling loved, accepted and worthy depends only upon what others think of us. It means that if someone just does not love us, for whatever reason, then it must be because of something we did or did not do; some flaw, some defect in us.

The danger in this is that there are people out there who are willing to take advantage of people with low self esteem. They are generous with the compliments and praise. They go out of their way to make us feel wonderful, about our appearance, our talents, and even our sex appeal. Sometimes we are so eager to please that nothing asked is off limits. Like a sponge, we soak up the praise and the stroking. Our needs are being met; we are loved! The thought that this person is taking advantage of us never enters our minds. Molestation? No problem, I am loved! Treated as slave labor? No problem, I am loved! Extramarital affair? No problem, I am loved!

When a needy person is being taken advantage of, we (as needy persons) are inclined to think that being taken advantage of does not matter. Our way of thinking is totally different than that of a "normal" person. Our minds know deep down that something is wrong, but our hearts and feelings only see and feel love.

It is easy to see how a person can become addicted. When we feel rejection, what do we turn to? When we feel rejection, what do we turn to? In this case, it is not God. It can be one of many things: shopping, food, work, or the more dangerous drugs and alcohol. All of these things make us feel good for a time. They numb the pain of rejection.

God is said to have created us in God's image, yet in depression, we may only see God as a punisher. We may be quick to forgive those who do us wrong, yet we think God is withholding forgiveness from us because we feel that we do not deserve it.

Where did this notion that our happiness depends on others come from? Why can't we understand that our happiness is a direct result of our own actions, feelings and perceptions? Why can't we understand that God loves us every bit as much as He does others? Maybe it is because we can't accept love without payment. We feel the need to do something to get the gift of love. This is one reason molesters find victims so attractive. We are eager to please. Sexual acts are a simple form of barter: "I will do this for you if you will love me." Our need to please others in order to feel good about ourselves takes many forms and becomes a vicious circle.

How do you learn self love? Some of us have been told from birth that we must earn love, we must dedicate our lives to making sure the needs of others are met and never put ourselves first, for doing otherwise is surely sinful and selfish. How do we accept joy and happiness into our own lives when we are programmed to believe that we do not deserve it? It's like believing all our lives that we are weeds and now we are supposed to believe we are roses.

You might think that if enough people tell us we are worthy, eventually we will believe it. Not so. It has to come from within, and therein is the problem. We see every compliment as a prelude to "So what do you want from me now?" Even a simple compliment such as "You look pretty today" becomes immediately, "What are you up to and what do I need to do for this?"

It is so painful to have these feelings; to look at everyone in our lives as potential users.

So what are the answers? How can a person's thinking be rewired? I want it to finally sink in: Yes, God loves me! Yes, God cares and forgives. God's grace and forgiveness and love are unconditional. But it is hard for me to understand that. I want that light to go off in my brain that says, "I get it! I finally get it!

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Guest Column by Judy Kitchen; submitted by Melodie Davis from her weekly column ANOTHER WAY www.thirdway.com Judy Kitchen is a church secretary and Another Way reader who has dealt with serious depression. She wrote this column to help others deal with feelings of low self esteem. She also has a Web site on depression.