Daily Wisdom 11-03-2004 Ending Bedtime Battles

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Ending Bedtime Battles

Getting small children to sleep is a frustrating time for many parents. In our minds, we may have this romanticized picture of bedtime: a sweet smelling child, fresh from her bath, curls up on my lap; I read her one book, sing one lullaby, and then tuck her in bed. Before I even turn the lights out, she is asleep with that angelic look that all children have when they finally make it to slumberland.

But this is a far-fetched fantasy for most parents. Children soon learnto manipulate and ask for extended favors until our patience and fatigue makes things turn ugly. We threaten terrible things in the name of getting them to go to bed. I remember angrily holding my oldest down in bed so she would stop her wiggling and twitching, which I felt she was doing purposely to keep herself awake. I also wondered, of course, if I was doing the right thing.

The strategy recommended by "Love and Logic" expert Jim Fay, president and co-founder of the The Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colorado, is that instead of referring to "bedtime," call it "bedroom time" or "kids' time." Bedroom time or kids' time is a time for the child to bein his or her room playing quietly, looking at books, or perhapslistening to soft music or tapes. They don't necessarily have to even be trying to go to sleep at first. However, it is not a time to be bothering parents.

We all know it is impossible to will ourselves to go to sleep, yet sometimes we have been guilty of telling a child "You march off to that bedroom and go to sleep now." The child's natural response to such a demand is anger. Who can go to sleep with anger charging through one's mind or veins? It also sets up a power struggle. A manipulative child can keep this power struggle going for hours.

Mr. Fay recommends turning off stimulating activities such as TV, exciting music or family games, and then giving kids choices, such as:
Do you want to go to bed right now, or in ten minutes?
Do you want to brush your teeth in the kitchen or the bathroom?
Do you want a story first, or your bath first?
Do you want a drink in the kitchen, or in your room?
Do you want to go to sleep right away, or try to keep your eyesopen as long as you can?

Fay reminds parents to be sure and offer choices that you can realistically give; never give one choice you like and one you can't allow. Finally, once kids are in their rooms, make them stay there. Announce that "kids' time" is over and it is now "parents' time." Stick it outover several rough days or weeks until they get used to the idea. Kids, of course, come up with great reasons they should come out, such as, "It's scary in here. There are monsters in my room." Fay says that kids take their emotional cues from their parents, so try responding with, "Well, sweetie, my advice is to make friends with them. See you in the morning. I love you."

Praying with children at bedtime also helps. Especially in these scary times, we can remind children that God is always with us, no matter what happens.

Contributed by Melodie Davis from her weekly columnANOTHER WAY (http://www.thirdway.com/aw/).For information on using Another Way in a local newspaper, contact:ANOTHER WAY, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801-2497; or call1-800-999-3534; fax at 540-434-5556; or email me at:Melodie@mennomedia.org