Flying Lessons

Suddenly there was a flurry of squawking and feathers as Fable noticed the young bird before I did. Then, just as quickly, two adult blue jays came swooping down out of the nearby maple trees. I mean they were on that dog, dive-bombing down to frighten her and protect their young jay (called a "chick").

Now, most of us are not big fans of jays just because they're so prolific and can be just this feisty and nasty to other birds, eating the eggs and young babies. But I didn't really want to see our dog maul a young blue jay. So I quickly called the dog back, and to her credit, she backed off the chick.

But I was struck by the parenting style of those birds, and how much it reminded me of our role as human parents: to nudge, push, and cheer for our offspring as they take their first flights into independence, and then to rush in like worried jays to the rescue when they get in trouble.

One of the surprising things about parenting is that it seems we need to be available for our children for many years beyond the magic age of 18. Even for the simple things, like learning to be assertive around adults in authority, especially doctors, principals, registrars. Too often they accept things professionals say at face value, not asking questions, or not stating their own needs or expectations. Our youngest, Doreen, was especially shy around professionals. In spite of being 18, she is small, blond and very young looking. People tend to write you off when you are small, blond and young looking.

Doreen needed to go back to a clinic on a Monday morning to get a TB test interpreted by the staff for a college physical. She also wanted to leave town by 10:00 a.m. that day to go on a camping trip with her friends. The clinic assured us that there would be a doctor available by 8:00 a.m. The receptionist read the test, but the form required a doctor's signature. The doctor was busy. Could Doreen come back at noon?

Travel another 12 miles round trip just to get a signature? Doreen's ecological consciousness and desire to leave with her friends on their long planned camping trip kicked in. "No, I'm going out of town at 10:00 a.m. and I need it now," she told the clerk, who somehow dug up the busy doctor for a quick and unreadable flourish of his pen. Go Doreen!

In August we take this youngest daughter to college. Since we've had two older daughters who've made the trip before her, I know that there will be moments when the urge to swoop in and protect is strong. There may even be emergencies when we will have to be there. But I also know that swooping in too soon is not good for her or for us.

I remember one time especially when I had to solve my own problem. I had driven alone about 200 miles for the wedding of friends. On Monday I would begin my very first real job out of college. It was a holiday weekend, and I was returning on a Sunday evening. My aging 1966 Chevrolet dropped a wheel. It completely broke off at the axle, leaving me stranded on an exit of U.S. Interstate 81 about two hours from my apartment. Everything was closed. I thought, what if I couldn't go to work my very first day on the job? Would they believe my car broke down?

I walked to the nearest station (fortunately not very far). Somehow I called the station owner, who came in and opened up his closed shop on a Sunday evening of a holiday weekend. He fixed my car, put me back on the road, and I made it to work the next day. I learned that I could do my own problem-solving, and that's really what we want for our kids, isn't it?

So, when you're tempted to swoop in, ask yourself, can they solve this problem on their own? If so, let them. You'll both be stronger for it.

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Contributed by Melodie Davis from her weekly columnANOTHER WAY (http://www.thirdway.com/aw/).For information on using Another Way in a local newspaper, contact:ANOTHER WAY, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801-2497; or call1-800-999-3534; fax at 540-434-5556; or email me at:Melodie@mennomedia.org