All In The Family: Help Siblings Appreciate Bonds

Jan is a seven-year-old girl who somehow manages to rub her eleven-year-oldbrother the wrong way, no matter what she does.She adores her big brother,and wants him to like her, but there is just something about their ages thatmakes for a bad click right now. If she is stewing over some small issue,the more she bugs her brother, the worse it gets. Her parents, sensing thatmaybe Jan trying so hard is part of the problem, encourage her to just "letit go."

Then one Sunday before Christmas in church school class, Jan's teacher hadthe students make "gift certificates" to give to family members forChristmas, instead of spending money on gifts. They were to think ofsomething nice they could do for each member of the family. Jan tried veryhard to think of something she could do for her older brother, somethingthat he would like. Her peers tried to help, but she rejected all theirideas. "No, no, he would think that is dumb." "No, he wouldn't like that." Finally her eyes lit up. "I know, I'll give him a time that I'll just 'letit go,'" Jan smiled as she filled in the gift certificate.

If Jan learns the art of letting go-no matter what lessons her brother mayneed to learn-she will have learned a valuable lesson. Not only did she givea gift to her brother that Christmas, her parents also gave her a gift: thegift of learning when not to make an issue of things, to walk away.

What is it about brothers and sisters that make us so vulnerable tothem? At least during the early years, they know us almost better thananyone, and know all the ways to needle and enrage us. Young siblingsprobably spend more time with each other than they do even with theirparents, especially if both parents work outside the home and the childrenare in the same care giving setting. So sibling spats and even dislike canoften be a case of too much togetherness.

But togetherness can also be an advantage. Brothers and sisters can helpeach other through rocky times in growing up. Isn't it always easier toleave two children with a new babysitter? The siblings can be a comfort toeach other, providing familiarity when things are new. If Mom or Dad goesaway on a trip, or to the hospital, siblings have each other.

But what if your children really seem to not like each other? All familiesgo through rocky times, and certain phases of life are rockier than othersbetween siblings. With every new family member added, you widen the numberof relationships: at first it is just husband and wife. When you have onechild, you have husband-wife, husband-child, wife-child, andhusband-wife-child. Add a second child, and you add child-child,husband-child-child, and so on. As each person ages in that circle ofrelationships-going through toddlerhood, puberty, maybe mid life crisis,relationships within each of those circles can be set on edge. No wonderthat families are a setting ripe for conflict!

A brother or sister is a great asset to have in life-although theycertainly don't always feel that way! But we do want to raise our childrenin such a way that the positives overcome the negatives and children end upfeeling like they have an ally to see them through life.

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Contributed by Melodie Davis from her weekly columnANOTHER WAY (http://www.thirdway.com/aw/).For information on using Another Way in a local newspaper, contact:ANOTHER WAY, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801-2497; or call1-800-999-3534; fax at 540-434-5556; or email me at:Melodie@mennomedia.org