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< August, 2001 >
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Don't Get Married Until...At age 23, Corey Donaldson of Melbourne Australia, was dating awoman who lived in the U.S.Talk about a long distance relationship. Theyknew they were seriously interested in each other but because he had seenmany of his friends' families experience divorce, he "wanted to make sure Idid it right the first time." So he started looking for a book withquestions to ask before getting married that would reveal the issues thatcause people to divorce. There wasn't one available. So he started askingpeople what questions to ask, and then he and his love interest, Phaidra,wrote to each other discussing their answers to the questions. The resultwas not only a wedding, but a book, Don't You Dare Get Married Until YouRead This (Random House, 2001). The book is technically the result of over 1500 interviews or conversationswith a wide variety of people on the subject. "It became a passion for me. Ilike Otto Von Bismarck's line, 'I know I can learn from my own mistakes butI would rather learn from the mistakes of others.'" So even though Corey hasnow only been married five years, the questions come from persons with manyyears of experience combined, such as: * Does it matter to you who earns most of the money? * What does my family do that annoys you? * Which side of the bed do you want to sleep on? * If we have two cars, who gets to drive the newer one? Fifteen hundred questions is of course way too much ground to cover withanyone, and couples need to use their own judgment in asking the questionsthat are right for them.But it is important to ask questions before you getmarried because the "majority of divorce-causing issues are there before youget married," says Corey. I asked Corey if he had a smaller list, perhaps just eight questionsthat couples should be sure to ask. This is the short list: 1. Why should we not get married? 2. If there is an issue in our relationship that couldcause a divorce, what would that issue be? 3. If we were to eliminate our physical attraction foreach other, what would be left? 4. Are household duties dependent on the gender of eachperson? 5. Has anyone ever had a reason not to trust you? 6. What will be the role of faith in our marriage? 7. What are you not prepared to sacrifice when you getmarried? 8. What do you not like about me? These questions may seem primed to find out the negative aspects of yourrelationship, or to pick a fight. As Corey says, there will obviously bedifficulties in any marriage, so isn't it better to talk about them beforemarriage than after? If it causes you to break up, wouldn't you rather splitbefore marriage? Corey also cautions at the end of his book, not to use it to find theperfect mate, because you will never find a "perfect" one. But it will helpyou pinpoint what issues are so insurmountable that you don't want or can'tovercome them, and what differences or issues you can live with. And wehope, mostly happily ever after.
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Contributed by Melodie Davis from her weekly columnANOTHER WAY (http://www.thirdway.com/aw/).For information on using Another Way in a local newspaper, contact:ANOTHER WAY, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801-2497; or call1-800-999-3534; fax at 540-434-5556; or email me at:Melodie@mennomedia.org |
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